My word for the year if you recall is Balance, as I adjust to life as a widow , and generally fettle myself. Last month I had concluded that if I felt tired I needed to sleep and rest. I had done some research and found exhausation to be part of the grieving process. Once I had stopped berating myself for being tired and just went with it I improved, even found myself picking up the knitting from time to time.
I have continued in the same vein this month. Really paying attention to when life is getting too busy. Planning my days better so that I have time at home by myself, and it is working. More importantly I took the decision to stop listening to the world service to get to sleep by. It had started a while ago to stop me thinking about all the sad things that had happened, and for a time it had helped. More recently it was waking me in the night , sometimes the programmes were interesting so I would wake myself up to listen properly, but then the news took over , and it really affected me. So I stopped turning it on when I turned off the bedside light. To begin with it felt weird, the silence… then mid month I realised that I had started to dream every single night and what a jumble they were. My childhood home, my Mum, my sons, Mr E, random dogs, suitcases, etc . After about ten days the dreams ceased, I have had the occasional one since, but not every night and not as busy. Sleep really is great isn’t it?
The other big thing that occured to me was about STUFF. I have Dad’s stuff, Mum’s stuff and now Mr E’s stuff, and since Dad died back in 2014 felt like I was a custodian of stuff. Things they had kept, things that had meaning for them, but not for me…. some is useful but much is just stuff. And actually all this STUFF is now MY STUFF. It’s no longer anyone else’s but mine. I don’t have to feel that I have to keep it. In all probability my sons will just throw it all in a skip, they won’t feel like a curator in a museum of stuff.
So I had a final clear out of what Mr E had planned as a media room with his electronic organ which he never actually unpacked, all the home cinema stuff ( Successfully given away last month), umpteen computer bits etc.
I ordered myself a computer desk. No longer would I need to be on the dining room table.
I think I’ll look out for a rug too. The room feels like mine now. When Mr E got really poorly I’d cleared space for the hospital bed, and that memory lingered. Now it feels quite different in here. I have moved my family history books to the unit, not the prettiest of units but functional and now useful.
With things opening up in England post Covid lockdown I have been to a few crafty workshops. It gets me out and meeting other people, making friends and activating my brain again. Putting a life together which is balanced between things that have got to be done and those which enhance.
My son Mr T’s MIL has a pottery studio where she has drop in sessions. I’ve been a few times now, not every week, but maybe every two to three weeks.
I’ll not be entering the Pottery Show any time ever, but there is something decidedly comforting about clay!
The carer’s group has continued to provide support with monthly walks and coffee mornings and craft workshops.
We had to bring them home to grout them and sadly the journey caused some tiles to slip a bit.
The class has reignited my love of mosaic making too.I am very, very lucky to have this wonderful organisation in my town, and post moving house, loosing Mr E and lockdown the group has really helped me regain some balance in my life.
Yesterday I tackled the garage, full of things Mr E rescued from my Dad’s home and all his woodworking etc tools. I have found a charity which refurbishes tools to send to Africa, and those which aren’t needed are sold on to pay for shipping. A chap came and helped and together we filled his carboot. I just know Mr E would be glad that I had found good homes for everything he valued, and he would have adored attending the tool sale!
So what is now mostly left in the garage are things I can use for gardening and plain old rubbish. Do I need another skip? Probably, most certainly.
I really feel this month that I have acquired a good balance between “Getting things done” and rest. That awful feeling of being overwhelmed has largely gone, and if I sense I am trying to achieve the impossible for me I stop a while.
I have even been swimming again… twice
Easter next month.. I am going to clear the hallway which has become a dumping ground for things that still need good homes, largely books and kitchen gadgets. Mr E did like a kitchen gadget. Then I shall just enjoy the chocolate, no not the chocolate , family gatherings, I hope.
I am grateful to Carolyn who hosts One Word- the link is here-https://youronewordblog.wordpress.com/2022/03/28/one-word-march-twenty-two/